There it is again. That tickling sensation where nothing makes sense and all the incongruous facets of life don’t add up to something real. The heavy fog of this new place breeds ethereal. The weather dips below freezing while the sun rests and yet there are birds out hunting for breakfast in frosted muddy earth before first light. I work from a new place, and also I don’t understand how I’m managing to work because my mind is not present.
I am moving through time, or perhaps it is moving through me. The sounds around me are new and yet ever the same. Voices I recognize but in alien rooms. Situations I have been through yet seem ill-equipped to handle. …I also recognize I’m speaking in very meta and mysterious ways, which is not my intention. No more “magusitis” today.
I’ve set a goal to write something every three days here, knowing I would more likely write about once a week for the first bit as I find my words. There’s no one readily available to me for editing, so I’ve also opted to get it out regardless. Get “the thing” posted so there is something happening in this space. I hope it will evolve into a new being again soon, and will stick around to see how that turns out.
I am weighing options for building a new routine. I have a sketch of a model in my mind, so I will dump it here and use its reality to refine something functional. If life can be cleanly broken down into a few major blocks – it can’t, but let’s give it a go – I figure that I have three to five main realms of focus.
My body, the ligaments and muscles and guts of my mortal coil. Workouts, stretches, wise dietary choices.
The “I” inside my coil, heating things up and driving thoughts and feelings. Processing the hard shit, and actually enjoying the easy stuff.
The sacred connectivity I share with the birds and fog and trees around me. My awareness of what more there is (or isn’t).
The activity of connection with others, as well as the “fun” things like fantasy story games. Making room for it regularly, but not to excess.
How I stay alive. This includes the mundane acts of eating and washing and working, in broadest strokes. Oh and the writing down of my progress for future me to review. Success is my proof and all that.
There are going to be a certain number of things, particularly if I am an employed coil, required of me almost every day I am awake and hale. There will thus be a list of tasks possibly set forth above my direct will each day, things I must do to keep the entire machine running. Otherwise, I will break down lists of action that fall within the other realms and align to my intentions. From these I will block time and space out for some from each list and build “a routine.”
I’ve never been able to keep much of a routine. I’ve been a student and an hourly employee and had many roles that were relatively “the same” day in and day out. It doesn’t feel like that’s what I was doing with school or most of my jobs, though. I’ve often had the sensation they are different shit, same classroom/office type of experiences. I have a certain jealousy for those who can swiftly tout “same shit, different day,” and it might warrant further exploration.
My desire for a routine extends into a few of my main realms above. Physically I can “function” and feel better if I am sound. Mentally I will be capable of learning and development if I am working at such things regularly. Spiritually I can become (re-)engaged with my emotions and world – and new worlds – if I create the skills to open those doors. Socially I recognize we mortal coils are in need of talking, laughing, breaking bread, and generally cavorting with one another. As for the functional mundane… I can maintain myself easier without returning to prolonged scarcity.
Let’s see how this further formulates.