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What a Leader Do

I’m the type of person who likes to “do.” I volunteer and get my hands dirty, and I speak up when I think there’s indecisive silence. I’ve had a penchant in the past for sharing lots of material with my peers, hopeful they would read the same things and arrive at similar conclusions.

I’ve become intentionally selfish for myself of late. I retired from all leadership positions – largely exhausted by the struggle of unnecessary ego, or the corruption in chasing dirty money. I’ve excused myself from friend groups, some because of the distance created by their life changes and the rest by the difficulty of scheduling quality time.

I used to think I was a leader, but don’t think much of the role anymore. I seek mentorship. I crave someone to listen and learn from. Someone not wrought with hubris or hungrily clinging to status. It matters little if it is someone older than me or a jury of my peers. I need to be able to spend time with this mentor to soak in what I yet need.

I hope to gain something from every relationship – something to motivate me, lessons on disciplining my mind, or perhaps a simple oasis away from realms of isolation. My goal is to always offer something similar in return, but I know that will not always be the case. I once read that society was built based on the obligation we feel to one another – systems of exchange – whether it be monetary or by favor. That we dislike owing our fellow a favor and seek to repay it. I have had the opportunity to be in groups where that was not the expectation. Where we volunteered our resources with no thought for anything in return. I am not opposed to offering my own but have yet to be able to receive from others what I truly need. My next level of growth is a focus on that – mentors offering to me what they are able, regardless of whether I ever “pay” them back.

Back to my thoughts on leadership, I no longer think I’m qualified to be one, despite my experience. I think I stepped forward in the past out of necessity. Being the eldest in my family forced me into caretaking and managing other’s lives. The team sports and school activities that engaged me most were the ones that placed me in leadership roles. I have been a goalie guiding the team with insight granted by a view of the whole field. I ’ve volunteered as team lead to craft training material and organize educational panels. I’ve served on executive boards (by vote or invitation) where I assisted other leaders in our shared duties.

I have in the past believed I knew what makes a good leader and that I had the ability to be one that does it well. I am not so sure now. I desire to grow the skills and knowledge to do what a leader does, while simultaneously recognizing that I need mentorship and continued education to maintain adaptability and remain in tune with those I might lead. I think I need to be selfish and create space for myself to accomplish personal growth. I need to say “No.” to being a leader, perhaps for a long time.

I have shifted the direction of my life to becoming more of a hermit, to learn more of myself and the worlds I inhabit, and to come out the other side confident in my abilities to get some shit done. I do not know if I am making the right decisions. I hope to know when I have learned enough when I finally “feel ready,” and then be brave enough to step forward again. If I do step forward, I hope that I will be the right person to carry the work forward.


Bloggus Interruptus

We interrupt our regularly scheduled programming to celebrate love. missdansie left for her honeymoon in Germany, of all places, last weekend. Don’t worry, y’all. She’ll return soon enough. (pictured from left to right: missdansie, miggs, and athene)  

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Ghosts of Utopia

My Danish ancestors arrived in Utah dreaming of utopia. The Mormon Church played a more socialist tune back then and attracted followers as discontent with the emerging capitalist order as with traditional Christianity. But what my ancestors found when they arrived was a utopia under siege by theocratic pressure and political instability. Over time, they learned the hard way that utopianism rarely delivers on its promises. I reflect on…

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Toxic Masc4Masc

I was recently directed by a friend to a post in an online poly group where a stranger made transphobic comments. I may write more on that, but the original post warrants exploration first. An admin of the group shared his thoughts on “Toxic Masculinity,” He is a massage therapist who happens to be a bit “woo-woo” for my taste, but has generally been a reserved and polite association…

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A Short Poem

Drifting, floating, flying, leaping, My feet move across the Earth. Every day different, time being measured, By the passing sun in the sky. But what is time anyway, and why pay attention, and why use it to measure our lives? How can time be wasted when each passing moment will never again pass by? Tripping, falling, crashing, hurting, I catch myself down on my knees. Feeling fatigued by the…

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Geneva Country

My parents lived in a trailer park in Utah Valley when I was born. I have since spent most my life in Spanish Fork, Springville, Provo, and Orem—cities Mormons built in the space between the Wasatch Mountains and Utah Lake. Some people say, “that’s sad, don’t you want to experience the world.” They phrase it without the inflection in their voice to imply a question, too, as if travel…

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Book of Mormon Stories

A couple of weeks ago a girl I grew up with was interviewed on the Mormon Stories Podcast. She grew up down the road from me and is one (of many) girls whose parents restricted them from playing with me because of my parents’ lack of church attendance. She was always kind to me, but the barriers were clear. The podcast explores she and her husband’s religiosity and why…

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Getting What I Need

A little over a month ago I was sitting in my friend Tyler’s living room complaining about some problems that were playing out between me and my partner, Miguel. “But Tyler,” I pouted, after he gave me some solid advice, “I don’t want to do that!” He looked at me with compassion, shrugged his shoulders and said, “sometimes what you need and what you want,” he brought his thumb…

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Ambiguous Identities

About three years ago, I went through a divorce that was more like a violent shootout than a pragmatic goodbye. The relationship my wife and I had nurtured over eight years collapsed in a matter of weeks. We went from best friends to worst enemies in the same amount of time we had spent vacationing together in Seattle one summer, drinking wine in bed, watching boats cross the Puget…

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We Live in Separate Bodies

It’s February, and I have allergies. The elm trees are pollinating early, and clearly, my body doesn’t like it. Allergies smallergies; April Dansie is sooo sensitive. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if someone else could crawl into my skin so I might share the world as I feel it; so they might sneeze as much as I sneeze. Do my feelings of isolation and being misunderstood…

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