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My Vasectomy; a Horrifying True Story

Nearly one week ago, I stripped myself naked from the waist down, and sat my bare ass on a table with only a nearly transparent thin sheet of crinkly paper shielding me from the shockingly cold padded vinyl surface in the frigid examination room. A gray-haired doctor and a 30-something female nurse entered, hastening my girlfriend out of the room despite my protests. The doctor gruffly told me to lay back on the table, and wasted little time on pleasantries, matter of factly informing me that I’d feel “a slight pinch” before beginning the process of needling my scrotum.

The horror of my vasectomy was only just beginning…

Nah, I’m kidding – in reality, my no-scalpel vasectomy procedure was quite tidy and the anxiety I felt over it was entirely unfounded (although completely understandable). The encounter was relatively quick and painless, and the doctor wasn’t lying about his “slight pinch”. If you’ve ever gotten an HIV screening before, then you’ve already felt more pain from that little spring-loaded needle than I felt from this doctor’s local anesthetic injection.

Sadly, the doctor wouldn’t allow me to prop myself up to watch him work, but maybe that was for the best. Either way, I could feel slight tugging now and then, and four times heard the soft electric crackle of the cauterizing wand doing it’s work. The whole procedure took roughly 15 minutes, and the doctor fist-bumped me (no, really) and left the room. A moment later, my girlfriend re-entered and held my hand while the nurse instructed us about aftercare steps. Rest for 48 hours, no sexual contact for 7 days, come back with an ejaculate sample in 90 days to be certified sterile, have a wonderful infant-free life.

My recovery has gone very well, with only minimal pain. The worst of it so far has been a periodic dull squeezing sensation, somewhat like having “blue balls“, but less intense and for a longer period. Ibuprofen has been more than sufficient to deal with that, and I’ve had a great time sitting around the house binging Mrs. Maisel and Watchmen. Another awesome side-effect was being doted on by my girlfriend (especially that first day!) – she is awesome support, and getting babied is always nice.

The majority of my initial anxiety over this process had to do with the lack of recent anecdotal accounts from other men. Nearly all the information I found online was from like 10 years ago, and was fairly clinical in nature. While that is nice to have, it’d also have been nice to hear what it was like for other men who experienced it, but there was very little of that. Even though I knew logically that there was nothing to worry about, my monkey brain was still a bit worked up. Hopefully my account here can provide some comfort to other men considering the procedure.

Thank Fuck It’s (almost) Tuesday!

As of tomorrow, it will have been a full week since my vasectomy, and suffice it to say that I’m so fucking ready. My girlfriend is out of town with her husband for a few more days, but it’s gonna be a romantic day for me, myself, and I. I’ve never been more excited for a Tuesday before!