All Posts By: ferox

Fire and Ice, Ice, Baby – Part One

The fire alarm was going off, but its shrill cry had been relegated to the background of my senses. Thick smoke had filled the room, making it impossible to see or breathe, so I had to crouch down. The lights in the apartment had failed, and I was scrounging around in the dark of the bedroom trying desperately to find my phone. As I brought it up and opened the menu, I saw that – yet again – I had no service in my apartment. I ran outside, ignoring my bare feet and back. My gym shorts would have to do, I’d be fully nude if they fell off. I ran down the stairs and away from the building until service returned. I punched 911 into my phone and banged the phone against my face. I couldn’t hold it steady, every fiber in my body was riddled with shivers.

“911, what’s your emergency?”

“My apartment is on fire, I need someone to help. Please send the fire department, my address is…” As I started communicating with the responder, I realized that my cat was still in the apartment. Fuck. Someone was walking toward the building, so I moved to meet them.

“Hey, can you get the fire department here? I have to go find my cat!” I handed my phone to the stranger and darted back up the stairs.

The apartment door was still open, and black smoke roiled out of the upper half. I ducked and ran back inside. The kitchen was fully alight, the flame had reached the ceiling and started its way across the room. I could see the paint bubbling and dripping down, melting into the fake tiles of the linoleum floor. I could hear the air rushing in toward the fire, whipped cream topping over the greasy main dish of that old oily kitchen.

I opened all the windows and the sliding door. I began calling out for the cat, and my worry began to grow – he could have run out the door I’d left ajar. In this chaos, he could have braved the second-floor and leaped down to the grass outside. I couldn’t see him by the firelight, and I couldn’t hear him. Still crouching, I moved out to the patio and called for him.

“Is someone in there?” an authoritative voice called to me. “You need to come out.”

“I need to find my cat!” I called back. Yep, I said that.

I left my apartment to meet a cop. He had been nearby when the call came in and was first on the scene, so it couldn’t have been too long. He found a fire extinguisher in a dingy unmarked box not too far away from my apartment door. Things would have been very different had I known there was a fire extinguisher there. Oh well. He told me to get to safety and began putting the fire out.

Firefighters arrived. They extinguished the fire. An ambulance arrived, and a crowd of people gathered with me, waiting. I got my cell phone back from the stranger, and I thanked them for their assistance. I unlocked my phone and opened up my contacts.

It was time to interrupt my partner’s first ever official polyamorous date.

What a Leader Do

I’m the type of person who likes to “do.” I volunteer and get my hands dirty, and I speak up when I think there’s indecisive silence. I’ve had a penchant in the past for sharing lots of material with my peers, hopeful they would read the same things and arrive at similar conclusions. I’ve become intentionally selfish for myself of late. I retired from all leadership positions – largely…

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Toxic Masc4Masc

I was recently directed by a friend to a post in an online poly group where a stranger made transphobic comments. I may write more on that, but the original post warrants exploration first. An admin of the group shared his thoughts on “Toxic Masculinity,” He is a massage therapist who happens to be a bit “woo-woo” for my taste, but has generally been a reserved and polite association…

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Peach Scones

All extremes of feeling are allied with madness. ― Virginia Woolf, Orlando Have you ever gone crazy for another person? Not head-over-heels smitten twitterpated starstruck young love. No, something… deranged. A passion so strong you’d kill your lover before kissing them. Consumed with mind and heart and soul, no thoughts for anyone else, or anything else. Always imagining being next to them, looking at them, smelling them, listening to…

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Letter to a Toxic Friend

I would be lying if I said I had not rewritten this letter repeatedly. Mulling over and over what I would like to say, balancing it against what you will read. I should have called you out each time I recognized your toxic behavior, rather than waiting to pile it on you now with little more than a “good luck!” I thought I would have an easier time talking to…

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A Rich Backstory

For individuals who live in the margins, on the fringe, or outside of the box, sharing personal details about their lives can lead directly to their destruction. People who assert that everyone has a voice in this “post–civil rights era” are only partially correct. But the volume is still turned down – if not muted – for many people of the world, despite all the avenues available for sharing…

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Ooh, that smarts.

Pain. It’s not great. It’s broad, complex, and personal. It impacts everyone around us. No one really knows what it is, or how to fix it, or even if we should be fixing it at all. Physical pain often presents itself. There is blood or a scar. But it can also be invisible to all but the bearer. Emotional pain can have a physical expression as well – sobbing…

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Perfectly Out of Place

I “don’t belong” to this place, and it doesn’t recognize my existence. Or rather… it doesn’t pay heed to my life and my experience. There are people in this place that look like they are being acknowledged and respected. It was designed for them somehow. They are among their peers and they engage in all the distractions of this place without any fear of getting lost, caught, or facing…

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who I am and why I’m here (ferox)

I am a human, so far as I know. I was raised rurally. Religiously. To value learning, despite my birth family rejecting what that education brought to me. I am music. Queer. Trans. Poly. Punny. I act far more confident than I feel. I live to listen to laughter – my own and others’. I am full of shadows. I am here to share my heart and my mind….

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