All Posts By: ferox

Digitalizing Demons

I got a digitalizing notebook with erasable paper. This means I can write initial drafts by hand and then edit/finalize a post online later.


I am having a difficulty in that the text conversion doesn’t appreciate my all caps handwriting. But writing with little letters looks childish and wrong and I hate how it shows up on the page!

Much less how [much] more difficult it is to actually change my standard writing method like that..

So I’ll track down a font that will do me right … or I guess write .

Get it? Cuz I’m writing right. 😀

I wonder if this will assist me in getting more posts up on Lucenti. I got it intending to use it for a bullet journal. Re-usable & able to digitize if wanted?! Sign me the fuck up.

Anyway, I’m feeling better (maybe) than my previous post, but also I am back on track with my hormones. Experimented with a new schedule and I suppose it doesn’t work. My bigger problem was that doing my t-shot every 2 weeks made it more difficult to remember if I’d forgotten for longer than I should. so I ended up w/ only 2 shots in 2 months as I went through wrapping stuff up w/ the center and packing up & actually traveling and then finding a new place to live and getting to know a new place & tracking down a new work situation and helping a friend here out and … I forgot .

The interesting thing about forgetting with hormones is that my body has a very interesting way of reminding me why they are important to maintain. And that led to sensations and a bodily experience I’d not encountered in .. 10 years? You might think I would be devastated or angry.

I thought about how I should be more dysphoric, have stronger feelings about the thing yet.. I was annoyed, sure. I didn’t feel good physically and even had to spend a day sleeping just to “catch up.”

But my mind didn’t succumb to anguish and I wasn’t rendered emotionally incapable. I was generally… okay.

Hence the post about demons.

Are they still even here?

app scan of the notebook page


app scan of journal page 2

computer says no…

How do you know when (if?) you’ve subdued your demons? I use subdue since I currently ponder whether they were worth defeating or instead required befriending to finally calm the internal conflict. I can’t think of many demons inside of me right now that are creating friction of any kind. My work demon feels external, but my logic daemon has all that sorted and in motion. I will soon…

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Morning coffee

[listening to] There it is again. That tickling sensation where nothing makes sense and all the incongruous facets of life don’t add up to something real. The heavy fog of this new place breeds ethereal. The weather dips below freezing while the sun rests and yet there are birds out hunting for breakfast in frosted muddy earth before first light. I work from a new place, and also I…

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Half Coffee & Half Cream

My head hurts enough that my vision is a little blurry on the sides. I reach for my water but the bottle tipped over in the night, seeping into every page of Condensed Chaos and dripping over the nightstand into the gap between. I was going to sleep in a bit longer, but fear of permanent water damage to the trailer is a more than sufficient alarm clock. I…

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Ashes to Ashes, Dustin to Dust

Content Warning: Suicide “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when your pain exceeds the resources you have for coping with that pain.” – Out of the Nightmare by David L. Conroy Firstly, if you are or believe anyone you love might be considering suicide to stop the pain, please review and/or share the following links. You might find new ways to reduce your pain, or to increase the resources you…

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dream: nightmare wind

From 10-Sep: While staying up by a family residence in our trailer home, a great windstorm swept through overnight. Upon waking, we discovered that the trailer was nearly demolished. An example of this was a large hunk of metal caught in the wall, utterly compromising the frame of the trailer. Immediately all sorts of complications arose, from how to get it home or even to somewhere that could try…

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dream: burning fam festival

From 7-Sep: I attended a burning man style event, it seemed to be in another country. There were a lot of pinks and blues looking out over the cityscape and I commented on the vaporwave aesthetic of it. The event seemed to take over an actual city with infrastructure, be it an abandoned ancient one, or one built with what was available for the purpose of hosting things here…

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dream: eating birds

From 28-Aug: I followed a former friend as he shared some spells he’d built involving an ordered method of eating tiny birds. I ended up feeling dismay at yet another pretentious person wasting resources or engaged in frivolous/wasteful ritual activity. I woke up between these dreams, but they interlocked somehow in my mind. I encountered a bear that came into my house, though they left of their own accord….

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dream: swimming

From 27-Aug: I was attending a new high school (but was in my adult form). I was added into a few classes, but had a free period – or perhaps was skipping already. I wandered into a theater area and found folx trying to practice a scene. However, two of the individuals were not working well together. The stage was made up of several different shape and sized swimming…

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