Daily Archives: 22 December 2019

computer says no…

How do you know when (if?) you’ve subdued your demons? I use subdue since I currently ponder whether they were worth defeating or instead required befriending to finally calm the internal conflict. I can’t think of many demons inside of me right now that are creating friction of any kind.

My work demon feels external, but my logic daemon has all that sorted and in motion. I will soon be positioned to leave even if my next gig isn’t up and running yet. There is still risk there, of course, but that demon doesn’t seem to nip and gnaw on my sensitive parts.

In fact…it feels like I don’t have any actively sensitive parts. I think about physical, social, or other needs, and my mind returns a “Situation Normal, Nothing Fucked Up.” SNNFU? Is that possible? Or have I fallen somehow into a deeper and darker trap that I am unable to see? If so escape may then be impossible until I can even begin again to feel the demons tearing at my flesh.

Perhaps I work through another dose of depression…yet without anything tormenting me specifically. Usually I hear that little buddy back there telling me I’m worthless, I’m not a real whatever, I’m not smart or capable, I’m not not not. That voice isn’t there right now. By no means do I feel like I’m consistently kicking ass and taking names, but I’m not falling on my face either.

I desire to be more “productive,” more helpful, to work smarter and not harder. All the stuff I assume normie folk got running through their mind-grapes at any given time. I simply don’t seem to have the things that were consuming me whole a decade ago. Where’s all the self-loathing, emotional roller coasters, absolute lack of confidence, and general malaise? I can only answer back with a tentative (and perhaps temporary)… “I suppose I’ve won.”

The demons might very well be knocking at the door, but I’ve got the system set up now to turn them away without my cognitive awareness. They creep at the windows, but I don’t fear them if I catch glances. Citing a wonderful comic on mental illness, maybe they are tapping me on the shoulder to remind me of their existence, and I’m casting them a casual nod and a muttered “what’s up?”

I am slowly building routine chunks, based on a previous post. It seems to be happening in fits and starts as my body has been going through some shit this week, but I’m still moving forward. I have some plans to overhaul my life, and I certainly hope that leads to larger projects I’ve had on the radar. Let’s keep plugging away, I guess.