Daily Archives: 21 January 2018

who I am and why I’m here (ferox)

I am a human, so far as I know. I was raised rurally. Religiously. To value learning, despite my birth family rejecting what that education brought to me. I am music. Queer. Trans. Poly. Punny. I act far more confident than I feel. I live to listen to laughter – my own and others’. I am full of shadows. I am here to share my heart and my mind. To heal. To shine.

I think there are a number of barriers that I have built up again recently. Somehow the spigot of my emotion has been turned all the way down to zero and it has cost me my openness and vulnerability.  It’s hard to pinpoint how it happened. A year and a half ago, a long-term relationship ended in great pain and loss. My primary partner now has been so much nicer, and I haven’t needed the same emotional muscles. I’ve been hermiting while simultaneously surgically extracting harmful people from my life. These practices, along with working from home have me living in an echo chamber.

My current goal is keeping people in my life I consider “good” or who are dedicated to working on themselves. Those who do not learn from their mistakes or who perpetuate cycles of violence against themselves and others don’t make the cut. While there’s little regret having made these decisions, I recognize how those folks require me to lift more weight. And I’m out of shape. People who do harm do not receive my time and affection. Some may consider my choices harsh, but I believe they’re right for me.

My tools have become rusty and dull, and in the vein of sharpening, I need to write things out. Practice. Give new experiences a shot. Learn when I fail. Open up and accept help and challenges by listening to the symphony outside myself. I want to develop new ideas, and adapt existing opinions within myself. It’s time to open up all the boxes in dark corners and figure out my feelings. Write until I shine again. Write to shine brighter.

Perhaps I have a long walk ahead; along the way I want to encourage others to travel into their own minds. To figure out how to shine, and to share with their communities.

Sharing our stories and communicating with one another is critical to help us identify who we are, what we stand for, and to build strong communities. I have to know who I am to be of any help.
My name need not follow, my words need not be memorized. I am here to share with you.

 

April showers bring May flowers

Lately, the question of who I am has been hard for me to contend with. Starting this project has forced me to recognize how duality exists in everything I am. I am all of the voices in my head, and it is unnecessary for me to single out one of them as my full identity. There is fluidity in who I am and how I love myself. To me…

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